Why I Made the Decision to Leave Peace Corps (Part 4)

While at Peace Corps headquarters, I made an effort to get my bosses to verify with my association that a house was, in fact, being built for me. Before I left to go to the headquarters, I talked with a friend of mine, who was on the junta directiva of the association, and my main ally in communicating with the others members of the junta. He told me that they had cut the materials during the full moon and that the house would be done by the time I got back at the end of July. Since my boss, the assistant peace corps director, had gone out of town for a while, I spoke with the project specialist for my program. I asked her is she could please contact my friend on the junta directiva and inquire about the progress of the house. My hope was that she could extract a promise or definitive information about the status of the house. It took over a day for her to get a hold of him, as he was not answering his phone or returning calls.

Finally she was able to reach him. After talking to her for a while, he admitted that they did not yet have the materials and that they would have to wait for yet another full moon. Anxious to hear news about my house, I entered my project specialist's office the next day, hoping for the best. She told me that the association did not have the materials yet. This meant that I would have to wait another month for the house to be built.

I had had enough. I had hit my limit. I told her that I could not wait any longer, that not being able to control what I ate was a health risk. I needed this house not because I liked to complain, but because I was constantly ill from not being able to cook my own food. At that time I was still giving numerous stool samples because of constant diarrhea.

What bothered me the most was that my friend on the junta directiva was the one of the few people in the town I felt I could trust. Maybe he was doing everything that he could to get the house ready and his actions were stifled by the rest of the association. I will never know. I felt like he was the last person I could rely on, and when I found he had been lying to me for a long time, I couldn't deal with it anymore. Maybe he didn't mean any harm in lying to me. Maybe I shouldn't have decided enough was enough. All I know is that every person has a breaking point, and the realization that I would have to wait yet another month for the house to MAYBE be built was the final straw for me. I stormed out of the office.

I came back later that day and told my project specialist that I needed to be honest with her. I told her I could absolutely not wait any longer; I was miserable at my site, and I could not go back. I could not stand being sick any longer. I desperately tried to learn the language, make friends, stay healthy, and get enough sleep, but enough was enough. I couldn't handle anymore. I told her that I was thinking about leaving. It pained me to hear those words come out of my mouth, because I promised myself and others that I would never leave my community behind. But this is what I felt I had to do, for my own mental and physical health.

Immediately she said, "What if we moved you out West to another site?"

"I would do it," I replied. "I don't want to quit; I want to have a fair chance at being a Volunteer." She told me that she was confident a site change could be arranged. She said that she needed to talk it over with my boss, the assistant peace corps director of my program and that they would both be able to meet with me tomorrow when he came back to the office.

The next day my boss was back in his office. I entered nervously, but with renewed hope that things would get better after my assistant boss told me that there was a good chance I could get my site changed. He had me sit down in a chair close to the door, and he pulled another chair across from me and sat down. He asked me to talk about my concerns with my site. I hesitated and asked him where my project specialist was. Stutterting, he replied, "Um uhh oh.... do you want her to be here?"

"Yes, she told me she would be at this meeting today. Isn't she supposed to be here?" I asked him.

"Ummm, well we could wait I guess," he said awkwardly. I had no idea what was going on or why he suddenly seemed so uncomfortable.

"Yeah. Let's wait then, I guess," I slowly responded.

Then, he abruptly retorted, "Actually, she's packing to go out of town." I had just seen her walking in the hall outside of her office. "Let's start without her."

Surprised, I asked, "She can't come to the meeting?"

"No. Let's start." I thought that this was extremely odd that he was not letting my assistant boss into the meeting, and I felt a sinking feeling in my stomach.

I began by saying that I could not wait any longer for the house to be built. I felt that it would never be built, and I could be waiting many more months for it to be constructed. He told me that I only needed to have patience, that I needed to wait a little longer. I told him that a line needs to be drawn somewhere and that I was asking for a site change. If not given a change, I would be forced to leave. He continued to skirt the issue, not answering my plea directly. I asked him one more time for a site change.

Then, with intense anger, he yelled, "I will NOT give you a site change! That's final!"

With the realization that I would be leaving Peace Corps, my heart cracked a little. This was the end. I guess it was the finality of it all that made tears start to well up in my eye. I didn't get angry. I didn't respond. I just stared at him while a tear from each eye rolled down my cheeks. Damn you, I thought. You really have no idea how much I care about this. He continued on an angry tirade until he realized that I was actually upset. That this wasn't some big farce to get an easier site.

"Oh.. oh." He stammered. "Maybe you should see a counselor. I can see this is emotionally affecting you." He continued to tell me how great of a Volunteer I was and how it was impressive that I was learning Q'eqchi so quickly. He added, "If you don't believe in me, you don't believe in anything."

At that point, I wanted to scream, "You need to give me a reason to believe in you!" but I kept my eyes fixated on his and said, "Thank you for the opportunity."

"How can you be so inflexible?" he asked incredulously.

I could not believe that he had asked me such a delusional question. I simply stated, "Thank you for the opportunity. I'm going to go back to my site and make the final decision when I get there."

He continued to tell me what good business skills I had and that he knew I could do great things, that I was already doing great things. In a haze, I heard him, but I didn't hear him. I felt like I was floating outside of my body. He tried to convince me to say for another 20 minutes, and in my dream-like state, all I heard myself say time and again was, "Thank you for the opportunity."

Eventually I got up to leave. My boss finally looked upset. I was upset. I walked out, and I left. I was going to travel back to my site. On the trip back, however, my plans changed.